I haven't posted for a while. I have a few draft entries that I started working on, but nothing in my life has happened such that I've just had to blog about it. That's not to say nothing interesting's happened since I last posted—on the contrary, quite a lot has happened. But I'll get onto that as I ramble. This entry will probably be all over the place with all the tid-bits, as I have a lot on my mind at the moment.
I'll briefly go over what I've been up to first, to set the context for everything else. I was about to say "uni's the same old, same old", but this is not actually true, at least not from a social standpoint. Since December last year, I've been performing at a particular open mic called Jane's, which runs once a month. My performing there has led to my meeting other comedians—quite a few, in fact. Over the past few months, having performed alongside them numerous times now, I think I can consider myself part of the 'group' as it were, part of the 'local scene'. Better still, some of them came together to create a society at uni called the UOW Comedy Society. I remember being so excited when I saw it! I've wanted this for years; I even remember saying in previous entries on this very blog that I've wanted a society like this to come into existence, going so far as to say I wanted to found it myself. Well, I didn't found it myself, but I got in pretty early so I consider myself a pioneer damn it :P I'm so happy this is a thing now! Not much is happening with the society at the moment, but one thing we are doing is holding an open mic once a month at a place called Rad Bar. It's starting off small, but the one at Jane's started the same way, and the place is packed every month now, so I figure the same thing will eventually happen at Rad Bar. There's also another open mic running once fortnightly at a bar/cafe called Two Doors Up. So I basically have three-to-four local performances a month now, up from almost nothing last year. This is a definite positive—nothing to complain about here.
Not only have I met more local open micers, I've also met a few professionals (or semi-professionals; I don't really know where the line is). To my surprise, they're really fond of me. This isn't conjecture; they've said rather bluntly that they really enjoy my work. The admiration they put forward seems so undeserved, but if that's their opinion, I guess I'll just be glad that people I look up to think so highly of me. It can be a little off-putting, though. It's an odd thing to complain about, I know, but I don't wanna be seen as the 'favourite' of the group, you know? Like, yes, I've been doing stand-up for longer than any of the amateurs I've met so far, but my performances over the last six years have been so intermittent that I can hardly say I have six years worth of actual experience (performance experience, at least). And yes, my humour can be described as 'highbrow' cos I talk about philosophy and politics; I like to keep things clever if I can. But the kind of observational humour the others do is something of which I've never been capable. I can't relate to people like they can, and being relatable is a big deal in stand-up. Doesn't this just mean we're good at different things? And it's not as if I get way better audience reactions than the others do. Anyway, the thing that worries me here is that I'll be seen as a kind of 'teacher's pet', because this praise is given to me in public, in front of the other comedians. I was even introduced by an MC once as "one of [his] favourite young comedians at the moment". I'm standing to the side waving my arms downward, saying "no! No! Downplay, downplay!" I don't want the audience to be expecting a mini-Seinfeld to come on-stage, you know? That's a tough gig to live up to. I just don't want to be singled out so publicly. If the higher-ups think I have a particularly-bright future in comedy, surely they can discuss that with me in private, right? I'm honoured, in a way, to receive such praise, to have such potential seen in me by those who know the game inside-out, but I don't want to be put on any kind of pedestal.
Another thing that's becoming very apparent to me is how awkward I am. Given that a lot of these performances are at bars, people tend to talk to each other after the show. Despite having spoken to everyone in the fucking room at one point in the evening, I still find socialising incredibly difficult. It doesn't matter how well the show went, it doesn't matter how big the crowd was, it doesn't matter if I'm talking to other comedians: I'm petrified either way. One thing that shits me is how loud it is in these places. Why do people even want to talk here when I can barely fucking hear a word people are saying? This isn't a trivial complaint; I genuinely cannot understand people in these places sometimes, which means that even if I could have responded to what was said, I can't anyway. It's not that people are rowdy or rambunctious, but simply that lots of people are talking at once. It's especially bad when there's loud music in the background. I was at a gig last Tuesday, one that went well for all involved. After the show finished, the music and surrounding conversation were so loud that I basically had to leave. I tried joining into conversations with some success early on, but people's words were impossible to make out over the music. I'm sure it'll get easier as I continue, and I'm never truly alone at these gigs cos I always have fellow comedians to turn to, but I'm still kinda new to the group. Like, I know I'm part of the group, but I don't quite feel part of the group yet, if that makes sense.
It's so strange: last year, and the year before, I wanted nothing more than to expand my social horizons and meet new people; now, I want to stop. My social energy is constantly drained, and it never gets refilled. Having a girlfriend has made my social contact more regular, and the open mics have only made such contact even more frequent. This isn't the fault of any particular party; rather, it's the culmination of many events strung together in rapid succession. It's funny how I used to say "it'll be hard at first, but once I meet a few people, it'll snowball from there". Well yes, it has snowballed from there—thing is the snowball shows no signs of slowing down. It's to the point where it can actually be irritating to have people attempt to contact me. There have been times where I've been on Facebook, and someone's messaged me wanting to chat (no one specific, just random people), and I've just thought "for fuck's sake, leave me alone, please leave me alone..." cos I just want to be left in peace. I've turned my Facebook chat off for most people as a result.
I even find it harder to care about what people are saying sometimes, which worries me cos it seems rude to be so disinterested when someone is speaking to me. I don't know if that's because of the increased social load, or if there are other causal factors at play, but it's something I've been noticing lately: people will tell me what they've been up to, or they'll vent about something, and I just won't be able to give a shit. Is it that I don't have the capacity to care anymore? Has all my Care™ been used up by others, or even by my own self? I don't understand it. I don't want to be that kind of friend, the kind who you talk to and they just ignore you when you need them most. I want people to be able to vent to me if they want to vent. But damn is it hard to be invested. And people venting to me online is the worst because it's so hard to offer support via the written word. All the emoticons and emojis in the world don't help with that shit. I've had people complain to me about stuff via DM, and after reading what they've said, I've sat there for five-to-ten minutes wondering what the hell I'm even supposed to say back, apart from "damn, that sucks :/ ". If someone vents to me online, it often means I have to stop what I'm doing and dedicate every mental resource I have to responding in a compassionate and (somewhat) timely fashion, lest I get distracted (or fed up) and go back to what I was doing earlier. Most of the time, I'm content being on my own at home, in my own space, without anyone disturbing my peace. It never even crosses my mind anymore to talk to friends; if I need to talk to anyone, I just talk to my girlfriend, and I'm satisfied. The need for regular contact with anyone else simply doesn't exist, not on my end anyway.
Speaking of the girlfriend, it's nearly been a year! That's so long (for me at least)! I've probably jinxed it now by even mentioning it :P But I'm so glad she's come into my life. I don't think it occurs to me how lucky I am to have her. The last thing I wanna do is become complacent, cos that happened last time and it ended badly (it didn't end specifically because I was complacent, but my complacency made the end that much more difficult to bear). I still don't even understand how I just so happened to be attracted to the one girl in my classes who was crazy about video games. How does that shit happen? Thinking about it makes me think this is all just a dream, that I'm about to wake up and realise that no, none of this magic has actually been cast, and my normal course of life is set to resume whenever I decide to get myself out of bed.
On a related-but-not-really-related note, I've been thinking about other girls from my past (yes, like that, if you insist on reading it that way, you degenerate reader you :P). This isn't a recent phenomenon, but a mode of thought that's permeated my head for long periods of time, fluctuating in terms of intensity and compulsion. There was a girl I met more than two years ago now at a sleepover, a girl I crushed on really hard. Like, I'm talking fifteen seconds between seeing her and not being able to keep my eyes off her. Whereas it took longer for feelings to develop for my current girlfriend, my feelings for this other girl just smacked me in the face. Just thinking about how excited I was brings me joy. Anyway, even though I asked her out and got rejected, I kinda stayed interested. I knew full well it was almost certainly not going to turn into a relationship; but at the very least, I wanted the two of us to get to know each other and see where it went, seeing as we didn't speak much before I asked her out. If we didn't have romantic chemistry (as was 99% likely), but could still be friends after learning more about each other, I would've gunned for that. But such a chance to meet and speak with her again has never arisen. From what I've heard, she wasn't as closely tied to the group I met that weekend than the others were, meaning she was less likely to show up to events. I don't even think she's been invited to any of the more-recent sleepovers we've had, regardless of who hosted them.
The meetups directly after the one where I met her were, in a way, akin to torture. Every time I was invited to a sleepover or a birthday party by anyone in the group, I was like "yes! This time I'll get to see her! This time I'll make some headway and see where things go!" Her eventual non-arrival would then disappoint and aggravate me, because I knew I'd have to wait another few months just for another chance to see her again. There were many times I wanted to tell particular members of the group how I felt, but I always resisted the urge. And it was a strong fucking urge, believe me. Time and time again, I had people's little Facebook message boxes open, ready to pour my heart and soul into, but I never went through with it because I could never see such venting coming across as anything but obsessive.
I don't want to date or sleep with this girl anymore, for obvious reasons. But to this day, I am still curious as to whether or not we could be friends. Can you have a platonic crush on someone? That's what I think this is: a platonic crush: a strong interest in someone's personality and personality alone. Maybe it'd suck! Maybe we'd meet up and it'd just be awkward and horrible, and we'd hardly speak to each other, and it'd be revealed that friendship between us is simply not possible. That'd be fantastic! I'd have an answer to my question, and could move on to the next one. But even though my thoughts on this topic have become far less frequent and distracting as time's gone by, I still think meeting this girl again and seeing where it goes would still be worth it.
The meetups directly after the one where I met her were, in a way, akin to torture. Every time I was invited to a sleepover or a birthday party by anyone in the group, I was like "yes! This time I'll get to see her! This time I'll make some headway and see where things go!" Her eventual non-arrival would then disappoint and aggravate me, because I knew I'd have to wait another few months just for another chance to see her again. There were many times I wanted to tell particular members of the group how I felt, but I always resisted the urge. And it was a strong fucking urge, believe me. Time and time again, I had people's little Facebook message boxes open, ready to pour my heart and soul into, but I never went through with it because I could never see such venting coming across as anything but obsessive.
I don't want to date or sleep with this girl anymore, for obvious reasons. But to this day, I am still curious as to whether or not we could be friends. Can you have a platonic crush on someone? That's what I think this is: a platonic crush: a strong interest in someone's personality and personality alone. Maybe it'd suck! Maybe we'd meet up and it'd just be awkward and horrible, and we'd hardly speak to each other, and it'd be revealed that friendship between us is simply not possible. That'd be fantastic! I'd have an answer to my question, and could move on to the next one. But even though my thoughts on this topic have become far less frequent and distracting as time's gone by, I still think meeting this girl again and seeing where it goes would still be worth it.
Another girl I've been thinking about is one I liked in high school, my infatuation for whom provoked me to write stand-up in the first place (I initially planned to get her attention with a stand-up routine). My thoughts regarding her are similar to those regarding the aforementioned girl in that I wonder what it'd be like if we met in person again, having not seen each other in (at this point) nearly five years. It's an odd meet-up to think about because we were never friends in high school, and hardly spoke to one another—no surprise given we were two entirely different people with mutuality in neither friends nor interests. But that doesn't change the fact that were it not for her charm, I would never have become interested in what is now a staple of my life, nor would I have a personality anything like the one I do today. I don't know why this causal relation fascinates me so much, especially given the presence of other equally-important causes. Had I not stumbled across a Robin Williams HBO special at my local DVD store, I would never have been given such an enticing introduction to the same type of long-form stand-up I wanted to perform for the girl. But despite that, this girl still holds a special place in my heart, be it deserved or not.
From time to time, I'll think about the two of us meeting at random while I'm touring somewhere (you can tell this is far-fetched from the beginning cos I'm actually successful :P), and we'll recognise each other, and we both go "oh, it's you!", and we get coffee together or something, chatting about what we've been up to since high school. It makes me glow inside to think about that. Thing is, I don't think this'll ever happen; and if it does, it won't go the way I'd like it to go, like the vignette in my head. First off, chances are this girl doesn't even remember who I am—and if she does, it's not for good reasons. She may have played a key role in my past, but that role was not reciprocated. I'm fairly sure my crushing on her didn't result in her doing anything noteworthy. Were I to see her anywhere, I'd recognise her in an instant, but she probably wouldn't even know who I was. Second, even if she did recognise me (and had a clean/positive record of who I was), why on earth would she want to reminisce with me? Seriously, why? I can't fathom a reason. What would we have to talk about? The time I crushed on her? Not really worthy of discussion, not for very long anyway. Our lives after high school? Why would she give a shit what I've been doing since then? And why would she want to tell me what she's been up to? None of this makes any sense. Shit, even if I did see her, I wouldn't approach her, no way. As much as I might want to say something, the risk of awkwardness is far too high for such interaction to be worth it. And we even have a high school reunion thingy coming up, so technically speaking, seeing her in the near future is actually a possibility (though, if I remember correctly, she's out of the state and probably won't show up anyway also as if I'm going to attend anyway hahahahaha that's a good joke you should be a comedian).
If I did see her, I think it'd be enough to see her smile, to know she's happy. I know she probably is, all things considered, but the last look I saw on her face was not one of happiness. To actually see it for myself in person would probably clear a lot of this nonsense up. As for conversing with her, she'd have to speak to me first, and I'm not expecting that to happen under any circumstances.
So yeah, I'm still fuckin' weird. Quelle surprise :P
From time to time, I'll think about the two of us meeting at random while I'm touring somewhere (you can tell this is far-fetched from the beginning cos I'm actually successful :P), and we'll recognise each other, and we both go "oh, it's you!", and we get coffee together or something, chatting about what we've been up to since high school. It makes me glow inside to think about that. Thing is, I don't think this'll ever happen; and if it does, it won't go the way I'd like it to go, like the vignette in my head. First off, chances are this girl doesn't even remember who I am—and if she does, it's not for good reasons. She may have played a key role in my past, but that role was not reciprocated. I'm fairly sure my crushing on her didn't result in her doing anything noteworthy. Were I to see her anywhere, I'd recognise her in an instant, but she probably wouldn't even know who I was. Second, even if she did recognise me (and had a clean/positive record of who I was), why on earth would she want to reminisce with me? Seriously, why? I can't fathom a reason. What would we have to talk about? The time I crushed on her? Not really worthy of discussion, not for very long anyway. Our lives after high school? Why would she give a shit what I've been doing since then? And why would she want to tell me what she's been up to? None of this makes any sense. Shit, even if I did see her, I wouldn't approach her, no way. As much as I might want to say something, the risk of awkwardness is far too high for such interaction to be worth it. And we even have a high school reunion thingy coming up, so technically speaking, seeing her in the near future is actually a possibility (though, if I remember correctly, she's out of the state and probably won't show up anyway also as if I'm going to attend anyway hahahahaha that's a good joke you should be a comedian).
If I did see her, I think it'd be enough to see her smile, to know she's happy. I know she probably is, all things considered, but the last look I saw on her face was not one of happiness. To actually see it for myself in person would probably clear a lot of this nonsense up. As for conversing with her, she'd have to speak to me first, and I'm not expecting that to happen under any circumstances.
So yeah, I'm still fuckin' weird. Quelle surprise :P
